if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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