dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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