I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
