just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
