So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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