Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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