I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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