we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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