2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
