just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
