I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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