All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
