Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We had to coat check the pizza.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
