My sheets look like a crime scene.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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