My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
there was a trapeze. enough said
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
