sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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