I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
