his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
