Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
