So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
