last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
All I want is dick and wine.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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