If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
ttyl tear gas
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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