I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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