and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
