hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
