So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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