He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
