When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize