The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
