glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i think i have two assholes
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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