Cold hands, warm shart.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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