Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
