did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize