Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
