I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
