she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
