I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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