There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
