I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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