2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
