apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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