Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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