Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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