I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
a search helicopter?!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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