sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
