All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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