my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I need to calm my uterus...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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