I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
True strength comes from lack of pants
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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