I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
