Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
The ass gains better be worth it
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
