I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
