This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
