i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
high people should be assigned attendants
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize