I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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