She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
