Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
